Leadership and Loneliness

I thought about the adage “It’s lonely at the top” while reading this week  the story of Jesus and the disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane in the book of Luke.

Having read this passage many times over the years, it is still hard to fathom that even in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus’ disciples never really got Jesus’ mission on earth. During Jesus’ moment of great need, these guys who were his closest associates, took a nap. Jesus needed some collaboration and encouragement. He needed someone to talk to, but the disciples did not come through for him.

Leadership can be lonely. One of my favorite leadership role models is Colin Powell. He once said, “Command is lonely.” Being in charge means operating in a different manner than being everybody’s friend.

Once a colleague came to me with a leadership challenge. He was not a direct report, but occasionally he would drop by my office after 5 pm. When he first started catching me at the end of the day, I was upset because I thought he needed to take his challenges to his supervisor. But I really liked this young man who had much potential as a leader, so I talked with his leader, and he was ok for this young leader to come by my office to chat if it did not bother me.

Our conversations were usually no more than 10 minutes, and I began to look forward to his interruptions. He could think of more “good ideas” in one day than anyone I had ever known. As a matter of fact, it was at this time of meeting with him that I started telling team members that I loved hearing new ideas and that they should come to me and share any idea they had. But I did not want them to come to me with a “good Idea” because it was not a good idea until it worked!

The young leader came to me late one afternoon just as I was trying to wrap up the day’s activities and clear my desk. He told me that he was having trouble being a boss and a friend with those he led. He had recently been promoted to director of a department of 14 professionals, and most of them were his good friends. He was having difficulty being their friend and their leader.

Here’s what I recall sharing with him: 1) Sit down with each of your direct reports who have been your buddies and talk about the change in your relationship emphasizing that you still want to be their friend, but you are first of all their leader. 2) Now that you are a leader, you must treat each team member equally and not show favoritism to your friends. Be fair in making the tough decisions.

This encounter with this young leader happened 20 years ago. If this same situation were to happen today with social media revealing so much information about each other, it would be more challenging to define leader/friend relationships, but I believe that the same principles would be applicable today.

I like what Harvey Mackay says: “It’s only lonely at the top if you forget all the people you met along the way and fail to acknowledge their contributions to your success.”