New Normal

If you are wondering what questions and topics about my treatment and accompanying illnesses go round and round in my mind, I am going to express to you some of those cogitations.

How many more side effects will be added to those I already have? Side effects from my cancer and its treatment and those of Blepharospasm get mingled —I write about Blepharospasm frequently because the side effects of this neurological disease of the eyelids, which has no cure, overlap with the side effects of my cancer. If you want to know more about Blepharospasm, look it up or look at some of my past blogs about this problem.

The Blepharospasm is causing me to gasp for air during several periods of the day. Each episode lasts from a few minutes to a couple of hours. I am asking myself if my condition of feeling like I am drowning when I am trying to catch my breath will ever happen during the night and I wake up gasping for air. That’s a scary emotion, but I have already taken care of this challenge—I turned it over to the Lord. I am actually living in His body because I am wonderfully made by the Lord. So, I have made up my mind that if I choke and die having one of these spasms, so be it. That does not release me from any of the discomfort, but it completely takes away the fear.

What will happen to my clinical trial if the government funding is cut off? The obvious answer is my trial will be halted. I have read where DOGE has already cut some funding for clinical trials at Harvard, Yale and Johns Hopkins medical centers. No government funding, no clinical trials—however Harvard and some of these medical centers have enough reserves to cover most of their trials.

What to do about the problem of chewing on my left jaw while eating and not realizing it because it is numb. This one really makes me tense because no one on my medical team has mentioned anything to fix this problem. The only recommendation that I have received is from my former college roommate who is a retired oral surgeon: pull the teeth that are causing the problem.

Numbness of my ear all the way to the left gums and all of my face down to the middle of my chin.  This is not going to go away according to my medical team. It is irritating, but it is not life-threatening, so I am learning to live with it.

Some of my medications are causing me to have some serious dry mouth. A mouthwash called Biotene is very helpful, as well as some – that I can order online. Sometimes it is so dry that I cannot speak. Water soothes the dryness for a few minutes only.

My vision is impaired. In the last two weeks I have developed a sagging or drooping left eyelid. Not sure yet whether it is caused by the cancer or Blepharospasm. We were able to get a handicapped registration which helps me get into places more easily. Just a few months ago, I was playing pickleball, and now I am one of the handicapped people who fusses at all the people who get the handicapped spaces and there is no evidence of their impediments.

I have unexpected dizzy spells that cause me to pass out for a few seconds. I have lost some sense of balance but fortunately, carrying a walking stick has helped that.

Because of my Blepharospasm, I cannot drive. Who would want to ride with an old man who may blink his eyes and not open them for 5-10 seconds?! Cheryl has stated that she is not a safe driver in the Atlanta traffic, so for every appointment at Emory Winship Medical Center, we need a driver. So far our children, grandchildren and a friend have handled those responsibilities. They sacrifice a lot of time because no matter what kind of appointment I have, it is an all-day trek. There is also the tension about not driving. I have been driving legally since I received my driver’s license at age 15. I have not been happy about this, but over the past few months, the Lord has been sending spiritual drones my way to remind me that getting up every morning and taking my first breaths of the day are a much greater gift than driving a car. I would love to go ride go karts to get my driving urges filled.

Writing down all these cogitations seems overwhelming to handle all of these plus the normal pain associated with my submandibular salivary gland high grade carcinoma. But the only thing that overwhelmes me at this moment is how could our God take a poor Mississippi farm boy and let him be a part of an exciting and challenging life working for Mississippi College, International Mission Board and Chick-fil-A nonprofit organizations.

This is a new season for the Cox family. Cancer affects everyone in the immediate family and some of the grandkids, also. I am only sorry that some of my family have to cater to me to get me to any appointments, church, pharmacy, and the bit of shopping that I need to do. My family has been amazing, and I am so proud of all of them, and I cherish each day with any of my family members.

Everything is a new normal for us. I do not remember what my old normal life felt like.