Round 3 part 5

Joy in Waiting

I just have not felt like composing another blog post these past two weeks. I look in the mirror and I don’t see anything on my face or neck that suggests cancer has spread across the left side. Of course, there is the scar that I have from my neck dissection in 2020. And a small scar located on my lower lip where a physician cut and stitched to pull my lower lip down and to keep me from chewing on it.

The procedure worked, but it also pulled my swollen cheek in such a way that I bite the cheek with my molars while eating. Sometimes I pinch my swollen face on the outside to pull the inner cheek away from those hungry grinders. My dentist gave me something that he said would block the inner cheek from the molars. Dentists use these triangular pads to protect the inner cheek while doing work on the molars. That got me excited because I have only eaten in a restaurant a few times over the past few months. I tried the pads at home a couple times, but I could not completely close my lips while chewing.

My dentist recommended that I see an oral surgeon about removing the scar tissue on my inner cheek. For a moment my dentist did not remember that I have greater health challenges to deal with. For about ten seconds after he talked about me taking care of the scar tissue, he said, “Well I suppose you better wait on the scar tissue because you have a more urgent problem to take care of first.”

Americans annually spend 37 billion hours waiting in line, according to the New York Times. Think about all the wasted time in traffic, supermarket waiting lines, pharmacies, doctors’ offices, traffic lights, etc.

Waiting is a part of everyone’s cancer experience. We cancer victims and our families, our friends, and our work colleagues dread the waits.

Waiting to find out if I have cancer felt like an endless cycle of anxiety and uncertainty. Each passing moment was heavy with what-ifs, as thoughts race through my mind, oscillating between hope and fear.  From previous experiences in a hospital waiting room with family or friends, I have learned that the silence of the waiting room seems to amplify worries, and every tick of the clock feels like a reminder of the unknown. I like to have family or friends waiting with me to give me company while waiting. But my wife knows me well. If a road is blocked by construction or a wreck, she knows that I will not give away 5 minutes of my life to wait. I am always looking for a detour. Granted some of the detours took longer than the original blocked road, but at least we were moving and we saw some awesome farms.

The waiting at home for lab results was just as difficult. I tried to stay busy or distract myself, but the weight of the situation lingered, shaping my thoughts and emotions. In those moments, I found myself grappling with questions about my life, my health, and what the immediate future might hold. I prayed for a good report, but braced for the worst.

Once my cancer was confirmed, my mind went into high-speed mode. I had already decided that I would not waste any time I had to live. My mission is to embrace life more fully as I walk with the Lord and serve Him and others in the name of Jesus.

After five years in Round 1 and after three years in Round 2 my medical teams respectively each told me that I was cancer-free.  I reflect on my current diagnosis as a reminder to appreciate and enjoy everyday moments.

Am I angry that I am now in the midst of my third bout with cancer? No. I trust God leading my life. I believe that all a person’s life is expressed by knowing some facts about the season we are presently in. Life is a series of seasons. Some seasons are short, and some are long. Some are just awful, and some are very positive.

Through these past two seasons of recovery from cancer and now during this third round of cancer, I focus on the recognition and expression of joy. My doctors have told me that this cancer is aggressive, and it will end my life. Who wants to be around someone who seeks pity because their cancer is terminal. That is not the path that I will pursue during this season.

I will be looking for opportunities to recognize and celebrate joy. Joy is all around us. We sense it in the sunrise and the full moon. Joy may be the deepest thing in the universe. And it may be a lot more important to our lives than we think it is.

Joy energizes. It’s for today, not someday. Over the past month, several members of my family and friends have come to visit Cheryl and me. With each of them I have tried to express optimism, humor, playfulness and stories. We shared stories of past adventures. We laughed as joy makes life feel more meaningful and even helps us cope with stress. Joy is the flip side of anger. I want my circle of family and friends to know that they can trust that God has a reason and a plan for us as we walk through the seasons of our lives. 

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV