Round 3 part 8
A friend said to me recently: “You don’t look like you have cancer.” Or several friends have said to me on the phone things like: “Well, you sound so much better than the last time we talked.”
Our greetings in the USA are really perfunctorily responses. “How ya doin?” “ Good. And you?” “Good.“ Most times we are in such a hurry that we do not really want the details about that person’s health.
So, when someone asks me how I am doing, I have begun saying “I am just ok.” They do not usually ask me any further questions. I could tell them about the piercing pain in the left side of my face or tell them about how all the medications I am taking four times a day make me dizzy and fearful of falling. I could also tell them about the painful lesions and ulcers in my mouth and throat.
While it is true that this third round of cancer took away my smile and the feeling in the left side of my face and mouth, my cancer has not and will not take away my life-long effort to develop a loving heart for people.
I realize that these friends referred to above were just trying to say encouraging words to me, and I greatly appreciate all the awesome ways that family and friends have helped me.
Many of my friends and even two of our four children have battled and beaten cancer. And some friends have succumbed to their cancer. I have been able to live for 12 years after my prostate cancer and five years before we knew the salivary gland cancer had returned with a vengeance.
The big challenges that I am dealing with now are ”How can I help others who will follow me with this kind of cancer?” and “How can I help someone who is afraid to even say the word cancer.” “Will I be able to show my children and my grandchildren how to die as a believer in Jesus Christ?
My team at Emory has been working hard to get me into a national trial that will have 116 participants. This morning, we received word that I have been accepted for this clinical trial. There were many factors in my getting into the trial but one of the requirements is to have recurrent salivary gland cancer that has the protein HER2 at high levels (HER2-positive) and that has spread outside the salivary gland and cannot be removed by surgery.
Some would ask, “Why do you want to participate in this clinical trial?” My response would be, “Why not?” My cancer is not going away unless God decides to perform a miracle. This cancer will take my life eventually. It is not curable even with the treatments. But research scientists are not going to find a treatment that is curative unless they have these clinical studies.
This morning, we received notice that I will have my first infusion on Friday, December 20 at Emory Winship Cancer Center. This treatment I am choosing will not heal the cancer. Presently there are no treatments that will heal all the cancer in my face and neck. I am consoled by many scripture passages that my friends and family have sent to me. Today I am living by this one:
“For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
Am I afraid? That is a big “yes” for things like I do not know what to expect from the infusions. Once I have my first infusion, I will be more comfortable with the second one. Generally, I have a high level of tolerance for pain, but I HATE to throw up, and I understand that I have a lot of that coming in the next 18 weeks.
I am not afraid of dying. I want to live, but only as many moments that God has planned for me. I heard this recently: “Ain’t nobody getting out of this world without dying!” I am confident in my relationship with Jesus Christ to say my last breath in this world will launch me into the presence of God.
***I promise to do my best to continue to publish these blog posts and not to wait for three weeks to send the next epistle in this blog.