Round 3 part 9

Post first treatment

How do I explain my cancer to a grandchild? The easy answer to that is “Let their parents do it.” Granted parents certainly are ultimately responsible for handling questions like that, but there are occasions where the parents are not present when questions like that are asked. “Papa come play chase with us. Tag, you are it.” I want to play chase with them, but physically, right now, I cannot. “Papa come on. You are it.” “I am sorry, honey, but I can’t play right now.” “Why?” I have to break up their tag game to explain why I can’t run and chase my grandchildren.

I don’t remember exactly how I responded, but it was something like this: When you were just a baby, Papa had this same disease called cancer. God chose to heal me, so I got well. Now the same cancer has come back. It is much worse this time.

Many times you can look at someone and they don’t look sick. That is the way it is with Papa’s disease called cancer. In my body, there are these nasty bad cells that are attacking and destroying good cells. We go to the doctor’s office or the hospital to find ways to get rid of these bad cells.

That’s about the limit of what you get to say as everyone wants to get back to playing chase. Our grandchildren range in age from 24 to 4. You certainly don’t tell the 7-year-old the same thing as a 16-year-old.

It’s hard for the grandchildren to understand because I go through periods of looking and acting perfectly normal, but I may be feeling absolutely terrible. I must grit my teeth and move on because I want to set the bar on how to live while I am dying. This is important to me even while knowing that death will come sooner than later for me. I must accept what is and what the Lord intends for me and be honest about my condition to others and myself.

Having blepharospasm and salivary gland cancer at the same time presents an even larger challenge. The blepharospasm causes some facial dystonia which causes contortions and unusual movements that aggravate the cancer in my face and head. It is extremely difficult to do any productive work during these spasms. But I have to push on and work through the spasms to finish tasks.

Mouth sores and lesions on the left inside of my mouth cause a lot of pain, and often mask pain from the cancer—although I believe the issues inside my mouth are caused by the cancer even though they have been an issue for three months.  I only chew on my right side because I have bitten the left side so much that it makes it difficult to heal. These mouth sores have been a pain! I am sleeping mostly in the recliner in our bedroom because the pain from these lesions combined with the pains from the cancer make it difficult to get into any horizontal position where there is pressure on my face or head.

Since I had the first infusion 13 days ago, I have had less stabbing pain in my jaw and chin. No change in the shortness of breath. Feeling of unbalance and dizziness still bothering me. No nausea, yet.

The plan for me is a total of six infusions—one every three weeks during an 18-week trial.

Life is brief and I should not take my days for granted. All of us who have faced terminal cancer understand this more than others. I ought to do the things that will last today. I ought to pause and listen to others' stories. I should spend time with my wife, children, and grandchildren without being rushed or distracted. When God puts individuals into my life, I must listen to their stories.

As I was writing this blog posting, I could hear children playing outside. I looked out the window to see what crazy kids were out in this low 40s weather, and I saw four of my grandchildren playing with two neighbor’s kids. A couple of them had shed their coats. The Lord urged me to get out of my warm seat at my desk and join them in our front yards. All four of our grandkids greeted me with a hug. Soon after our hug, Will, their dad told them it was time to come inside. The neighbor’s kids’ mother had called and said it was time for them to come home. All four grandkids and I went for a cool-down walk, so I got to spend a little more time with them.

In the scope of eternity, this time with the kids was only a blink in our way of keeping track of time, but it was a valuable blink. I was able to spend some time this day with my grandkids.

“For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” (James ‪4:14).